My Daily Journal

Journal Entry: Day 1 (06/18/2020)

So I have finally decided to go against my better judgement and get a journal. Not only am I ignoring what I've always told myself (don't get a journal), but I'm also posting it for anyone to see if they're unlucky enough to stumble across this website. Ok so for my first entry, I guess I'll speak on everything that's going on and my thoughts. So, let's talk about the Black Lives Matter Movement. First of all, this movement has been going on for I don't know how long. I feel like it's been around since slavery, but it's been given a different name. To me, the Black Lives Matter movement is essentially the Civil Rights Movement. Both are fighting for the equality of black people, they just stem from different racial issues. From what I've learned, the Civil Rights Movement is about the equality of black people and white people. It stemmed from the fact that black people were not being given their basic, human rights. Whereas, the Black Lives Matter Movement started once we found out about police brutality. Anyways, I don't know why it's taking this long for black people to be treated as equals, rather than inferiors. When will the white supremacy end? When will the justification of innocent black people being murdered and incarcerated end? Because it's been going on for as long as I can remember, and way before I was born. While I'm aware this is a process that takes time (I mean, we're trying to dismantle years of systematic racism), but the least we can do is take more steps towards doing that. Why don't we fix the pay gap?? A black person will get paid less than their white coworker, even if they have the same qualifications as them or more. Why is this still a problem? Why are cops literally killing black people and getting off with a slap on the wrist?? If the tables were turned, the black people would be under the prison. It's sad and terrifying to know this is the world we live in and it might be the world we're leaving for future generations. On a lighter note, I fell out with a friend that was very close to my heart. I'm not sure when exactly but it wasn't recent. We used to be super close and now we don't speak, we're basically strangers. I mean, I knew it was going to happen. I saw her getting distant while we were still pretty close friends. She'd leave me to go hang out with her other friends, but I figured it wasn't that big of a deal since she was way closer to them than she was to me. They had way more in common so I just decided not to worry about it or ever bring it up, in fear of looking stupid for making something bigger than it was. I started to care more when it got to the point of us speaking less and less each day. I mean, we don't need to talk everyday but it got to the point where all we gave each other was a simple "hi" and "bye" in the hallways. By then, I figured it was too late to really bring anything to her attention. Eventually, I started trying to convince myself not to care and that it didn't bother me. I thought, "If she's not making an effort, why should I?" For the most part, I was doing a good job at pretending and convincing myself, on the outside at least. On the inside, I was hurt. We used to walk home together everyday so when the friendship started fading, I was left to walk alone. On these walks home alone, I was left to my thoughts and for the first few weeks I'd usually cry or tear up because of how unhappy I was. With time, things got better. Before I used to wait for her even though I knew she wasn't going to walk with me, I have no idea why. Wishful thinking, I guess. But as time went on, I just kept walking. I didn't wait for her. I could see myself making growth. I mean, I was still unhappy and I still am. I'm still not over it, to say the least. Recently, I've been seeing her in my dreams a lot. The difference is, in my dreams things are still the way they used to be. They make me happy and I like to have them. They remind me of happier times. I want to text her sometimes but I already know I wouldn't get a response so there's no point. In the song i hate u, i love u by Gnash and Olivia O'Brien, there's a line that says, "Friends can break your heart too." It hits my heart when I hear it because of how true it is. But um, that's it for my first journal entry. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading and "listening" to me whine about my childish problems.